So, you’ve got a pet that likes to bring you live animals. How precious. They somehow sneak critters in right under your nose, even with your totally rational begging and pleading to ‘drop it outside’.
You’re left to deal with skittering claws on tile floors the way any person would: with pure panic. Your cat is probably blinking pleasantly on the sidelines, watching your hunting skills improve (all thanks to them).
The frightened chipmunk, the battered-about field mouse and even the garden snake loose in your home are enough to ponder calling animal control.
But you don’t have time because that stupid baby rabbit is heading towards your entertainment system, and you and everyone else know that pulling that away from the wall isn’t going to happen with your weak T-Rex arms.
You’ve got to grab something before you lose track of where it’s scampered off to.
Cake Containers and Cardboards
Don’t bother with a piece of paper or magazine cover: they’re too flimsy to hold the weight of a rodent. Speaking from experience, lightning doesn’t strike twice: you’ve got one shot to get it out of your house.
Drop the cake lid on top of the animal, slide the cardboard underneath, and calmly walk towards the door like it’s a Japanese tea service.
You may be asking, "Can't I just use a bowl? No. A cake container will be a constant reminder that your house should have cake at all times. Win-win.
If you’re scared of snakes like me, you don’t want to get anywhere near those slithering things. The best method for getting rid of a small snake is by getting long tongs.
How long, you ask? The longest ones possible that are attached at one point (don’t bother with those wooden salad spoons because you will panic).
Grab it by its tail and try not to squeeze too hard out of hysteria. Fling it on the grass and flap your hands while you shriek, “EW! EW!”
C’mon: who actually has one of those things conveniently lying around? I’m barely an adult and bought my first hair dryer this year.
Let me express that I’m from Wisconsin. I certainly don’t have my life together enough to obtain a live trap, but that’s for another article.
An Open Door
If your cat has brought in a fluttering mess of feathers (called a ‘bird’ in some circles), keep your door open and pray that they figure their way out on their own like a drunken guest at a house party.
In a Midwestern winter, that’s not too useful, as you’ll end up freezing to death before either the bird or guest find the door.
If all of these methods fail, shoo it out like a 1950s housewife. Make sure there’s enough screaming to confuse all of your neighbors.
The key to trapping animals obviously entails lots of yelling and flapping of arms. Crying is also an option.
If your cat brings in a bat, burn your house down.